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Due Date (Movie Review)

“Due Date†from helmer Todd Phillips, who dumped “The Hangover†on innocent, unsuspecting auds, follows the former’s formula.  This 100 minute R-rated piece of cinematic phlegm, involves a road trip, drugs, many smashed automobiles, inappropriate sexual situations, extraordinary vulgarity, and a totally underused female lead, Michelle Monaghan (as Sarah Highman), in a role that is the polar opposite of her groundbreaking work in “Trucker.â€Â  “Due Date†is a crummy picture punctuated by pasted-on jokes.

 

Much of the objectionable material is presented courtesy of Zach Galifianakis, who did the same for “The Hangover.â€Â  Galifianakis plays essentially the same objectionable character he played in “The Hangover.â€Â  He annoys. 

 

Premise, like that of “The Hangoverâ€, is simple:  Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.  Robert Downey Jr., who rises above the awful material, is Peter Highman, a high-strung yuppie architect on his way back to Los Angeles from Atlanta to attend the birth of his first child in a scheduled Cesarean section three days hence.  Monaghan plays his pregnant wife.

 

A chance encounter — thanks to a traffic accident — with Ethan Tremblay (Galifianakis) at the Atlanta airport touches off a series of disasters.  The pair are escorted off the plane and put on a no-fly list largely thanks to Tremblay’s indiscreet language.  It is not a good idea nowadays to talk about bombs and terrorism while sitting in the first class section of an airliner about to depart.  Tremblay is a would-be actor on his way to Hollywood.  He travels with a small dog, Sonny, who has an annoying habit of using his left front paw to rub his male organ.  That sums up the humor in “Due Date.â€Â 

 

From that point forward, plot is Murphy’s Law on steroids.  The unlikely pair are cooped up in a rental car which Tremblay demolishes about half way through the road trip by falling asleep at the wheel.  He flips the car off a freeway bridge, giving Highman a broken arm, and putting his dog in a lampshade head protector.

 

A bit about Tremblay’s dad’s ashes in a coffee can stretches the plot a tad with the most extraordinarily predictable results. 

 

“Due Date†is a buddy picture about a schlemiel (Highman) and a schlimazel (Tremblay).  How Highman progresses from loathing to loving Tremblay is one of pic’s major flaws.  It is both too sudden and not properly set up by either backstory or events.   Jamie Foxx appears mid pic as Highman’s best friend and a former boyfriend of wife Sarah.  Schlimazel uses the ancient relationship to put a bug about infidelity into Highman’s head.  If your critic were the object of that nonsense he’d have strangled Tremblay even with the broken arm.  A word about Galifianakis’ performance:  Much of it looks improvised and not in a good sense.  It is as if he were told to come up with the most socially inappropriate way for Tremblay to play a scene that was only sketched out, not written, and then did it.

 

It is at this point that pic sheds any semblance of plausibility and heads straight past farce into fantasy land.  Said fantasy involves Tremblay, high on dope, taking a wrong turn toward the Mexican border with California, thinking that the “MEXICO†sign was “TEXACO†— the car is low on gas.  Said gag could appeal to a naughty six-year-old, but children are not allowed to see R-rated movies.  A couple of Federales give Highman a hard time about his vicodin (for the broken arm) and Tremblay’s weed.  Tremblay then hijacks a Mexican police pickup truck, hitches it to the trailer in which Highman is held by the Federales, and takes off back across the US border, Federales in chase.

 

This is allegedly a comedy so auds can imagine the rest. 

 

Situations are so implausible that it appears as if Phillips, who also gets writer credit along with three others, took a pile of gags out of his file, threw them against the wall, and picked what landed on top to paste into his picture.  Galifianakis’ performance is especially annoying.  He affects a prissy walk which suggests homosexuality, but it a loose end.  There are a few inside showbusiness jokes, largely uttered by Downey, and they are among pic’s few elements that work.

 

There are a couple of attempts at pathos which end up as bathos and a Hollywood ending which makes absolutely no sense.  Pic’s sole highlight, other than Monaghan’s pretty face, is Downey’s acting chops.  The guy does more in a closeup than Galifianakis does in the entire picture.  Galifianakis runs the risk of being typecast time after time with different co-stars and sets.  The guy is more than a one note actor.  He proved it in “It’s Kind of a Funny Story.â€Â Â  This garbage probably offered a bigger paycheck.  For Downey, who killed in “Good Night and Good Luck,†“Due Date†is a comedown. 

 

Tech credits, as one would expect from a big-budget Hollywood effort, are adequate.  Its vulgarity, however, is repulsive.

Saw 3D (Movie Review)

James Frey, whose fictional autobiography, “A Million Little Pieces,†got him roasted on Oprah Winfey’s sofa for 48 minutes, got off easy compared to Bobby Dagen, ably played by Sean Patrick Flanery, who is tortured (along with the audience) for 90 minutes for concocting a fictional best seller about surviving the Jigsaw killer in “Saw 3D†or “Saw VII†— depending on one’s point of view.

 

Horror thriller’s plot is simple.  The late Jigsaw John (Tobin Bell) who appears in flashback, had an accomplice, which everyone who saw “Saw VI†knows is crooked Detective Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) whose career has not exactly soared since his stint on David E. Kelly’s “Picket Fencesâ€.  He may be best remembered by some as the fellow in HBO’s TV series, “Sex and the City,†with a male part too big even for Samantha (Kim Cattrall) to handle. 

 

Bobby Dagen is raking in cash on his book tour.  Hoffman gets upset about this (why is anyone’s guess) and sets out to right matters.  He also has a beef with Jigsaw John’s widow, Jill (Betsy Russell), who has fingered him to the cops as her late husband’s accomplice and tried to kill him.  At least that makes sense.

 

Like the rest of the Saw series, “Saw 3D†relies on about one dead body every ten minutes, cheesy special effects, and relentless villains to achieve suspense.  The vics are also not guilt free.  They mostly (with a few exceptions) did something bad…. In other words, they’re human. 

 

This alleged thriller relies on an extraordinary suspension of disbelief.  Hoffman’s traps depend on perfect timing, amazing mechanical perfection, and a puppet showing up on TV at exactly the right moment to move the plot along.  The money such a setup would cost would be far beyond the means of a policeman.  It would be the kind of cash that would make Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke apoplectic. 

 

By now everyone who knows anything about the Saw franchise knows that its central premise is that life is about choices.  Unfortunately for those caught in Jigsaw’s traps, said choices are Hobson’s on steroids.  Pic’s second scene is set in an urban storefront in which two guys, both dated by an attractive women held overhead in a sling which emphasizes her most excellent endowments, are chained to circular saws.  In order to save the girl, one of them must saw the other to death.  If they save each other, the girl gets sawed to death.  This is classic Saw.  It is also a tad unfortunate since the unaccredited actress is sort of righteous.

 

“Saw 3D†also plagiarizes other works.  Hoffman stitching his face after Jill’s alleged murder attempt is straight out of Spanish pic “Pan’s Labyrinth.â€Â  A bit in which Bobby has to shove hooks into his pectoral muscles was used to much better effect by Arthur Kopit in “Indians,†both on stage and on screen.

 

3D is a gimmick that Hollywood tried about 50 years ago.  It coincided with the Hula Hoop.  There is nothing new under the sun gear, as “Road & Track†magazine founder John Bond said.  Hollywood is reviving the gimmick to get bodies to shell out money to see subpar films.  It will work for a while.  Thus far your critic has seen only one picture that benefitted from 3D:  It is “Despicable Me†(which is reviewed on this site).  Heck, even CBS Sports is toying with 3D to get folks to watch its depleted roster on television.  Note to programmers:  3D does not make up for crummy material.  A compelling work can be shown on a 13-inch black and white TV screen and hold one’s interest, if not one’s breath.

 

Helmer Kevin Greutert was an editor on many of the Saw pictures and directed
“Saw VIâ€.  Tech credits, save for the cheesy special effects, are adequate.  So is sound recording, although “Saw 3D†could be a silent picture and be none the worse for it.  Dialogue is at best banal.  Performances are almost universally awful.  Only Flanery rises above the material, which is not saying much.

 

“Saw 3D†is billed as the end of the Saw franchise. That would be a good thing.   With No. 7 it has jumped the shark.  But your critic fears otherwise.  Pic leaves a number of dangling participles on any of which can be hung “sequel.â€Â  Auds do not know if Bobby dies or if Hoffman dies.  And it is revealed that Jigsaw John had a second accomplice, a blond haired physician (Cary Elwes) who cauterized his stump after amputating his own leg — pic’s opening scene.  Near pic’s end it is revealed that Jigsaw John made the guy his “executor†of sorts.  The future will depend on the box office that “Saw 3D†does.

 

Released just in time for Halloween, “Saw 3D†is rated R according to its press materials “for sequences of grisly bloody violence and torture, and language [sic].â€Â  Take a pass.  Put the Jigsaw guys out of their misery.

Monsters (Movie Review)

It has been reported that “Monsters†was made for $15,000.  That would put it in company with the awful “Paranormal Activity.â€Â  It’s also a lot of baloney.  Helmer Gareth Edwards feature debut is not a big budget effort.  The most credible press report your critic has seen pegs shooting at $100,000 and post-production, which is where pic was really made, at $450,000.  That should astonish no one who has looked at Edwards’ resume.  He made his name as a visual special effects man.  Edwards and backers got a lot of bang for their buck.  Heck, Edwards even worked three more jobs — as writer, cinematographer, and special effects guru.

 

Backstory is handled quickly.  Six years prior to pic’s action, a NASA probe carrying life forms from outer space, crashed over Central America on re-entry to the Earth.  The northern half of Mexico is now quarantined as an “Infected Zone.â€Â  It turns out, about halfway through pic’s 94 minutes, that the Infected Zone is so named because that’s where the alien “creatures,†which look like giant squid (about 150 feet across), float through the air, and sound like elephants with sinus trouble, lay their eggs.  Said eggs are attached to trees and glow when touched.  US and Mexican military fight their advance mostly with air strikes and a giant border wall, the sight of which would probably put anti-immigration zealots into a state of ecstasy.

 

Enter Andrew Kaulder (Scoot McNairy) a news photographer with a touch of sleaze, who is ordered to rescue the daughter of his publisher, Samantha Wynden, a cute blonde played by Whitney Able.  This is the last thing a guy who gets $50k from Wynden’s dad for shots of blood and gore, wants to do, but do it he must.  His job is on the line.  Meanwhile, the “creatures†show menacing signs of branching out from the Infected Zone.  They also seem to be attracted to light at night, a tidbit auds should bear in mind.

 

A dangling participle requires almost total suspension of disbelief.  Why can’t Samantha simply get on a plane and fly back to the US — and what was she doing in Mexico in the first place given the nation’s chaotic state?  And what about going south, to an airport or ship terminal far from danger?  That would be too easy, and there wouldn’t be a movie.

 

No.  Kaulder and “Sam†have to take a train to the gulf coast and from there board a ferry to the US.  Neither cares much for the other.  Due to trouble ahead, the train stops and reverses course.  The pair set off on foot, hitchhiking to the coast, which they finally reach late at night; pay an exorbitant amount for ferry tickets, and crash at a local hotel — in separate rooms.

 

Herein lies pic’s turning point, where action finally achieves liftoff.  Perhaps it is a lesson of sorts.  Kaulder suggests that he and Sam bunk together.  Sam vetoes the idea.  He also suggests they go do tequila shots.  She’d rather sleep.  The ferry leaves at 7 am.  Sam closes door on Kaulder.  Kaulder hits the bar, does tequila shots, and picks up a prostitute.  She steals the pair’s passports and money while hungover Kaulder, in his underwear, chases a ticked off Sam who has walked away in disgust after paying him an urgent wakeup call.  Note to girls:  If your life depends on a guy, keep him in sight.  Note to guys:  1. Don’t be so obnoxious that the girl you are to protect refuses to let you do so, and 2. Don’t get drunk and pick up a whore on the eve of your escape.  The pair miss the ferry.  No refunds.

 

A price gouging ticket broker, who had charged the exorbitant sum of $5,000 for ferry tickets — It had better be the Queen Mary II at those prices — now wants an additional $5k per person to get them a river boat passage through the Infected Zone to the US.  Sam pays with her diamond engagement ring.

 

Despite a few close encounters with “creatures,†pic never really develops the suspense common to the genre as the pair claw their way to the US border.  Here, too, pic takes some liberties with geography.  Northern Mexico is not jungle terrain.  Riverboat scenes were shot further south, in Guatemala.  The genre issue is a tad complicated.  Edwards is a special effects man who set out to shoot a love story.  You send a special effects man to make a love story, and what you get is a love story pasted over a sci-fi thriller.   It’s not quite one or the other.  Sharp-eyed readers will note that your critic made no mention of Sam having to be persuaded to pay for the trip through the Infected Zone with her diamond engagement ring.  Perhaps hers is not a match made in Heaven. 

 

The ending, which comes almost unexpectedly — “Monsters†was edited crisply by Colin Goudie — is a tad loopy.  It involves a pair of “creatures†mating.  At least that’s what Edwards says they are doing, and one sort of gets the idea, but it is not entirely clear from the material.  There is a parallel to be drawn, however, and Edwards draws it.  But it also begs the question as to whether the “creatures†are pernicious, which is pic’s premise.

 

“Monsters†carries an “R†rating.  Your critic would give it PG.  There is little objectionable language, no drug use, and no sex between humans.